Thursday, 01 December 2016 09:57

Wanted by Broadcasting Bosses To Rise Above the Noise level – the new Paul Holmes

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Giggling Gerties are scaring away audiences

Nobody in New Zealand public life has left such a vacuum of such black hole dimensions as television broadcaster Paul Holmes. To television he was truly irreplaceable. This is why they are out on the streets now looking for a replacement.

The word “streets” is important here because this is the location in which is likely to dwell the new talent.

Other search locations have proven to be dry wells.

The broadcasters have tried re-processing broadcasting types from previous eras. Most people only became aware of their particular shows when bearded characters marched down Queen Street in protest against their show being taken off the air.

They will not be sending their talent scouts in the general direction of university media studies departments or J-schools.

They are looking for someone with gravitas, a self-possessed type. A McLuhanesque figure. It will be recalled that Marshall McLuhan codified what works in the media and what does not. In television it was, he stated, that it was the camera that does the work.

The people in front of the camera only needed to stay cool, according to McLuhan. The must not prance around uttering naughty words if they are male. They do not have to nervously giggle in response to anything that can be construed as remotely amusing if they are females.

As with Holmes they should use standard English. Remember the show is for the people at the other end of the camera , not the ones at their end.

So there should be a clampdown on words such as “talkun” for talking “meeer” for mayor, “heed” for had, and so on.

Did anyone ever hear Holmes talkun about a group of, a collective of, a number of “woman?”

Another thing. The bulk of the audience now is in their middle years and over. Manners tends to be a factor here. So add the courtesy title Mr.

If this is too much just use the first name such as referring to the prime minister as John Key.

Anythun’ else? Ah! Yes, or as you might say “yeees”. If you have Key or some such on the other end of the microphone—why not let them get a word in now and then?

From the MSCNewsWire reporters' desk - Thursday 1 December 2016